Love & The Goddess Read online

  “This is a good move for you, Kate. I feel like I’m in Ali Baba’s den.” James threw himself down on the sofa, his camouflage jacket clashing wildly with the throw.

  “I’ve always loved tales of the Arabian Knights,” I said.

  He pushed back a length of light brown hair as he looked approvingly around the room. His green eyes were set wide on either side of a slightly crooked nose, broken during his binge-drinking years. It was eleven years since he’d quit and entered a twelve-step program. He raised one quizzical eyebrow at the wooden figure sitting on one of two deep window sills. “Is that the carving from that Indian reservation you’re always on about? Who is he?”

  “Kokopelli. He plays his magic flute, which stands for creativity. Maybe he’ll inspire me to finally write the cookery book I’ve always been promising to start. God knows, I’ve invented enough recipes to fill ten books. You have too. We could do one together.”

  “I should have known who he was – I’m the one heading off on a Shamanic trip. I could do with some inspiration to get my creative mojo back, but I’ll leave the writing side of things to you. Here…” He pulled a book out of his jacket and handed it to me.

  I studied the well-worn cover, stifled a half laugh. “When Things Fall Apart … a depressing yet appropriate title.”

  “It got me through some tough times, Kate. The woman who wrote it got her life together after her husband left her. Do you know the Chinese word for crisis also means opportunity?”

  “I could have done without this opportunity, thank you very much.”

  “Don’t be cynical, Kate. It’s a positive way of looking at your situation. Think of it as an opportunity for self discovery. Speaking of which, I see you’ve finally found the guts to bring out that picture you like so much.” He nodded at the Goddess propped against the wall. He had been with me on the day that I’d bought it.

  “I know. Who’d have thought it would spend five years hiding in the back of a cupboard? I’ll have to get you to hang it up for me.”

  “I won’t do a single thing for you until you promise me you’ll join me in Peru. You were full of excuses before. Now your time is your own.”

  I smiled a wry, sad smile, “You’re right. For the first time in my life I can do whatever I want. When will you be there?”

  “I’ll have finished my three-week stint cheffing in Club Med Mexico by the end of July. We could meet up in Cusco early August.”

  I nodded slowly. Cusco. It sounded fabulous. But it was a big step heading off on my own – even if I was meeting James. “I know there’s nothing to stop me. Just give me some more time.” A grin twitched at the sides of my mouth. “Do you think I could possibly meet a straight version of you?”

  James rolled his eyes, then turned serious. “Kate, don’t make the mistake of thinking you need a man right now. Learn to love yourself first. When you’re vulnerable you’ll attract the wrong type. I know you’re feeling rejected and wounded. But a man won’t fix you.”

  “God, you’d certainly know you were into ‘working through your crap’ as you call it. Why do I bother paying a shrink for advice when I can get the same spiel from you for free?”

  “Because he’s a professional and I’m not. I just work my own process. Anyway someone close to you doesn’t always offer the best advice.” He struggled forwards on the soft sofa. “I’ve got to head off, but now I know where you are I’ll come back to help with the rest of the unpacking. Are you all right for groceries?”

  “I can manage with beans on toast for now. I’m pretty exhausted. I think I’ll chill out in front of the television.” And I hugged him goodbye.

  Yet “chilling out” proved impossible. Anxiety was something I’d never been able to conquer. After a sleepless night in the grip of a demon, the first thing I did was book an appointment with my psychotherapist – the one Trevor insisted spouted a load of rubbish.

  “At long last.” Aidan Whyte made an exaggerated gesture of joining his hands together as though going into prayer, bowing his head. What was he suggesting? I wasn’t in the mood for complex mind games. Without meaning to, I lashed out.

  “I’m here to be consoled! Not mocked!”

  He ushered me inside his consulting room before he replied, nodding to the receptionist who sat filing her nails. “Kate, you’ve been coming for counselling on and off for many years. Trying to put sticking plaster on a marriage problem way bigger than the sum of its wounds. This may seem …”

  “What are you talking about?” I leaned forward to stare at his round face, his thin spectacles sliding down his upturned nose. Judging by the amount of laughter lines on his thirty-something face, it struck me that he must find the business of other people’s problems quite amusing. I’d have thought it would depress the life out of most people, yet here he was dressed in a cheerful blue chambray shirt, cream trousers and matching sneakers, looking like he existed on a diet of positive thinking.

  “Kate, you’ve been in denial. You never wanted to look at the state of your marriage. You wanted to believe you would wake up one day and everything would be hunky dory. Trevor would never agree to join you for counselling, yet you thought you could fix it all by yourself.”

  I couldn’t keep the amazement out of my voice. “You really thought that and never told me? What was I paying you for?”

  “I tried to get you to see it. He never wanted you to be a woman in your own power. He always had to be in control. This may seem like a crisis to you now, but believe me when I say it is your greatest opportunity for personal growth.”

  “Yeah, right. James gave me that line too. He even gave me that book by Pema Chodron.” I rolled my eyes heavenwards.

  “Great book, that. I was going to recommend it to you. And yes, your friend can see that you’re a woman capable of grasping life – in a way you never felt free to do within the confines of your marriage.”

  “That’s easy for you to say. I certainly don’t feel that way. I’m forty-four, I’ve got a twenty-year-old daughter, and my husband’s run off with another woman.” I wrapped my multicoloured cardigan tight around me. “My marriage meant everything to me. I don’t know how I’ll survive without Trevor. I married him when I was twenty-one.”

  “And you’ve never had time to find out who you are. Now’s your time.” He held his hands out, beaming as though he were handing me Aladdin’s magic lamp. If only he could have done.

  “But I’m nobody without him. I thought I was, but these last couple of weeks have been horrendous. People I thought were friends avoiding me, like rats leaving a sinking ship. Trevor’s friends and their wives have passed me by in their cars, pretending I’m invisible.”

  “So what’s your problem? Most of those women never had an independent career. They rely on their husband for whatever status they think society affords them. Some may be clinging on to the last vestiges of a dying relationship. If that’s the case they don’t need you to remind them of that. Anyway, you’ve always been well able to put social climbers in their box. Am I right?”

  “Suppose.” I shrugged my shoulders.

  “There are others, like the old woman you mentioned, who think well of you. If you constantly seek the good opinion of others you give away your personal power. Now you are starting a new life in the city, so leave the past where it belongs.”

  He was right. I knew deep down he was absolutely right. I looked at the emerald on my left ring finger and began frantically polishing it with the edge of my cardigan. It was all so much to take in. It wasn’t just the end of a relationship, it was the end of my whole life as it had been. I was realising that now, and I needed to move on.

  “It’s just such a shock to be suddenly shunned after having socialised with these people all my life. People I had thought were friends. I feel like I’ve become my worst nightmare – the shunned single mother, all alone with nobody to love me.”

  “Start by loving yourself, Kate. Essentially we’re all alone and it’s good if you can le
arn to live with that for a while and get to enjoy your own company. What you had with Trevor was a co-dependent relationship.” He leaned forward, slightly bridging the divide between us. Feeling uncomfortable I crossed my legs and in the process swivelled my chair towards the door. “Neither of you knew where one began and the other finished. Eventually that becomes claustrophobic. You told me so yourself. He constantly told you what to do and where to go. When he could no longer do that he found someone else he could control. Am I right?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, biting my lip. Whatever the reality might be, I wasn’t ready to accept it. My gaze once again dropped to my ring, as I found myself fidgeting with it. I couldn’t forget the good times, they lingered in my head like a soothing nostalgic scent – and they had been good. Once. “In all my years with Trevor I never met anyone as gentlemanly as him.”

  “A self-individuated woman does not need a man to validate her. Why are you so hung up on having a knight in shining armour?”

  “I don’t know.” I frowned and looked sideways, avoiding his eyes, still fidgeting.

  “Maybe I’ve always believed in a happily-ever-after. I didn’t date many men before Trevor. In fact the only lasting relationship I had was with the boy next door, and that’s because Billy was the nearest thing I had to a brother. Trevor was my first real romance and I thought we were perfect for each other.” I paused. “It’s so hard to accept that it couldn’t last forever.”

  “I know, Kate. But nothing in life lasts forever. And remember bad things fall apart so that better things can be created. Learn to embrace being on your own and start by being gentle and loving with yourself. And as I’ve said already, start approving of yourself and forget about seeking external validation from a man or anyone else.” He raised one eyebrow, before asking, “Do you intend wearing the emerald ring going forward?”

  “Of course,” I said defensively. “You know how important this is to me. I’ve taken off my engagement and wedding rings, though I feel quite exposed without them. But I’ll never part with this one.”

  “Oh, I wasn’t suggesting anything of the sort, Kate.” He placed his palms together in his prayer-like manner and raised them to his lips. After what seemed like a considerable time lapse, he asked, “How’s Julie?”

  “She’s in bits. I’m worried about her and worried that I will try to poison her against her father.”

  “At least you’re aware of that. The most important thing is to reassure her that it’s not her fault. Children regularly blame themselves when their parents split up. And try for her sake to hold back on criticizing her dad. After all, he is half of her.”

  I nodded. He was right. I wasn’t sure if it helped to hear it out loud or not, but he’d given me a lot to think about.

  He said, “Call me if you feel you are getting worse, but between now and our next session I want you to think of all the things you wish you had done in life but haven’t been able to because of your marriage.”

  Chapter Four

  After four consecutive attempts to brown my toast, I turned the switch on the toaster up to maximum and went off to the bathroom. One of the problems with a new kitchen was getting the hang of everything. I felt a pang for my Aga and my copper pans, for the huge granite work surfaces. I’d designed it to be a real cook’s kitchen. As I was washing my hands, I was suddenly shaken by the sound of a deafening bleep … bleep … bleep.

  Heart thumping in my chest, I raced into the kitchen where I was enveloped by a cloud of thick black smoke. Wading through, I hastily unplugged the toaster. Flames were leaping from the slot where my toast had been. I grabbed a fire blanket and threw it over the choking appliance. Then, like a maniac, I searched for the fire alarm, scanning up and down walls through the thick fog only to discover it embedded in the high ceiling. No chair or counter high enough to reach it, I opened a window in the hope it would stop bleeping of its own accord. Just as the smoke was dying down and the alarm stopped, the doorbell rang. I looked at the intercom screen. Surely it wasn’t the fire brigade? Relief flooded over me at the sight of Ella’s face peering into the camera. I pressed the button, opening the front door, flapping my hands madly to clear the smoke as I ran down the hall to meet her.

  “God, Kate, have you set the place on fire already?” Ella was fighting a smile as she handed me a bottle of wine, her mane of dark hair framing her heart-shaped face and swinging about her shoulders.

  “No, just burned some toast. How was your trip?” I hugged her close. “I’ve missed you.”

  “Good, conference was mad, did you get my messages? I must have tried to phone a hundred times, the reception is terrible out there and I kept missing you. How are you?”

  “Much better than I was – I can’t get used to living alone, and I think I might have ADHD, but I’m alive.”

  She hugged me hard. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here when you needed me. I should have come.”

  I stepped back and looked at her aghast. “Ella, this is your biggest client, your biggest gig yet. You couldn’t just up and leave in the middle. You’ve spent too long building your business.”

  “But…” A concerned look came over her face as she studied me up and down. She put her two hands on my upper arms, kind blue eyes focusing intently on mine. “Kate, love, I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there and it’s terrible. I should have been here.”

  “Ssh, and let’s get this bottle open. I want to hear all about the conference and Greece.”

  She followed me into the living room. “Have you been eating? You’re no more than skin and bone.”

  “You know me. I always eat, but if I’m anxious my metabolism races and I lose weight. I spend most of the night tossing and turning, so that fairly burns the calories.”

  “Yes, divorce is a sure fire way to lose weight. Calories going up in smoke! But you need to mind yourself, Kate. Promise me you’ll mind yourself, lovey?”

  “I promise,” I said, smiling at her concern. “Wine?”

  “Would you mind if I had some tea? I know the wine will go straight to my head – how about some of that Lapsang Souchong you always have?”

  “Coming right up.” I headed into the kitchen and put the kettle on to boil.

  Ella followed me. Leaning over the white Formica worktop she reached across to pick up the box of tea, inhaling the scent. “What’s your fascination with this stuff?”

  “It reminds me of childhood. There was a storage shed at the back of our house where I used to go to read. It was filled with my father’s old furniture from his parents’ house, piled up in a sort of kamikaze mountain. As I climbed to the top, everything would slide and slip threatening to disintegrate beneath me. I could have killed myself.

  But I always felt elated when I finally got to sit up there.” I pulled down the teapot, warming it with water from the boiling kettle. “I used to curl up beside an old tea chest – it smelled of Lapsang and was full of old books, Greek mythology, anthropology, books on ancient civilizations and fairy tales. Sometimes I’d find tea leaves stuck between the pages. The scent of Lapsang brings me back to those magical worlds I read about.” I poured Ella her tea.

  “No wonder you’re such a romantic, Kate. When I was a kid I read nothing but the Beano.”

  “My father loved those books. He used to read to us at bedtime. I think he would have liked to be an anthropologist but he was afraid to follow his dream and did law instead.”

  “Following the dream isn’t always easy. Look at me – with this recession, everyone is organizing their own parties and launches.”

  “But you have a great client base built up.”

  “Thank goodness, and as long as they need conferences organized in far-off places with sunshine and beaches, I’m there!”

  We laughed.

  “Here, come and sit down inside – are you shattered?”

  In the living room, Ella eased her shapely legs into the velveteen tub chair as I took the sofa. She tapped manicured nails ag
ainst her mug as she spoke. “You need a bit of fun in your life, Kate. Trevor’s crushed your spirit. Why don’t you have a look at one of the Irish dating sites and see what the talent’s like? A lot of people are using them now. You need to be careful though, you’re in a vulnerable place and men can take advantage, but you need to start getting out again.”

  “God, Ella, aren’t those dating sites just the same as the personal ads in newspapers? I thought only people with no personality used them?”

  Ella grinned at my surprised face. “Not at all. That thing of meeting someone in a pub or a club doesn’t work when you’re over forty. Everyone’s on the internet now. In fact, I’m thinking of putting up a new profile.”

  “I never knew you did that. You never told me.”

  She smiled mysteriously. “It never arose because you weren’t in the market for a man. Have you got the computer set up?”

  “Yes. It’s in my bedroom.”

  “Ooh, come on then, let’s have a look. Listen, I’ll open that wine while you do a search. We’ll need a glass or two to get us in the mood – go on ahead in and Google dating sites. I’ll be there in three minutes.” Seeing my worried expression, she continued, “Ah come on, you need a bit of fun in your life. What harm can it do?” Ella’s advice ran contrary to everything James and my shrink had said, but then Ella never went for safe and sensible if there was a fun alternative. Her enthusiasm reminded me of the good old days at boarding school when she was always up for a laugh. Seconds after I’d logged onto the site, Ella sashayed in with two glasses of wine. “How are you getting on?”

  “I have to use a username. What’ll I call myself? I mean I’m not really going to use this, but I can’t use my own name.”

  “Use some name you like from the myths you’re always talking about. How about the Goddess of Love?”